Remembering

I remember being scared as we drove home to St. George from my parents home in Orem right after the holidays in January 2009. I was in so much pain by the time we reached Cedar City that I was curled up in the fetal position and letting my boys see the fear and pain in my eyes. As a mother, I have always been aware of the need to shelter my boys (at least when they were very young) from getting too frightened. I knew there would be times that they would experience pain and discomfort, but I also knew that Tony or I would be right there to comfort them and reassure them that they were protected and that all was right in the world. However, by this time in our drive home, I was in such severe pain that I was almost delirious and I remember knowing that my pain and fear were apparent on my face, yet realizing that I could not control those reactions. I HATED that! More than the pain or the fear: I hated knowing that my boys could feel it and that there was nothing I could do about it! I had lost the ability to control that.
When we arrived in St. George, it was very obvious that we needed to go straight to the nearest ER rather than go home. This was a very frustrating thought because I had been to three emergency rooms during the past week trying to find a reason for my pain and each visit just made us more concerned and confused. I knew that I had a cyst on my left ovary because I had an ultrasound done at my OB/GYN's office in St. George before we even went to Orem for Christmas. It was done on December 22, 2008, because the last period I had started at the beginning of November and I was still bleeding at the end of December. The ultrasound technician told me that the cyst was large enough that there was a possibility of it torquing my ovary and preventing the blood supply from reaching that ovary. We thought this was the cause of my pain and we were sure to tell every ER doctor and nurse about this. The doctor at the first ER visit even ordered another ultrasound, but it showed the blood supply reaching the ovary so we were told that was not the cause. I was sent away from that visit with pain medication and the advice to call my OB/GYN after the holidays. Little did I know that by the new year, I would be fighting for my life! At the subsequent ER visits we were given the same advice, but there was not another ultrasound performed and there was not (at ANY of the ER visits) a pelvic exam performed, which struck us as a bit strange.
The last thing I remember was being admitted to Dixie Regional Medical Center in St. George after that terrible car ride. In future posts, I will write about the things that I saw while I was in a coma for two weeks. During that time, I was unaware of countless doctors trying to save my life and countless prayers on behalf of my family and friends given asking the Lord to spare my life. For the next little while I will be writing what I remember. After that I will retell some of what I had been told and then I can write what I remember after waking from my coma.

One more try!

I've decided that it's worth it for me to jot down a few thoughts every now and again; if not for other's benefit, then for my own and my family's. Lately my life has been in complete upheaval and I have found myself relying again and again on my new-found strength. There have been many times where I have found myself wondering if I could be the pillar of strength so desperately needed during this difficult time in my boys life. After all, that's just what they are: little boys. Little boys who I love more than I could ever describe. But, every day, somehow or other I have made it through, making sure to celebrate the little victories. Just yesterday may have seemed like the most ordinary Sunday to most: I woke up, got the chicken in the crockpot, helped my husband get our boys dressed and the four of us off to church, returning to a home smelling of the perfect after-church meal smell, and later making brownies which we shared with our darling neighbors. To me; however, yesterday was a gigantic victory. I awoke feeling well, not groggy from my numerous medications; I stood up, after rolling on my silicone liners and forcing what's left of my legs into prosthetics; I readied the chicken for the crockpot, doing so without fingers; we got off to church, on time and without me feeling like I was drowning in my own sweat; returned home, being awake and alert enough to prepare dinner; and finally making brownies, and walking to my neighbors and back without having to sit down once because of my prosthetic pain!
I relate this story, not to gain any pity or congratulations, but to remind myself (and possibly others) that it is in the small, everyday moments that we find the most joy. I was able to accomplish things yesterday that, three years ago, seemed absolutely impossible. And I was able to do those things all while contemplating the wonder of that love that we, as mothers, have for our children. I was able to fully appreciate the sweet glances from my hubby that both of us knew meant more than a full dictionary could describe.
So....to those who are struggling, which I'm learning is practically everyone, find your happiness in places you never thought to look!

I have a functioning kidney!

I'm sorry that I have not written for such a long time-it's like trying to keep a journal and I'm not very good at that either. So much has transpired since my last post that I hardly know where to begin. December; usually being one of the best months of the year, turned out to be one of the hardest months of my life. We went through some serious family issues that I never want to relive. The past two years have brought so much physical pain, but that's all it is: pain. When it's over, it's over. I can deal with that-especially knowing that I was doing it for my boys. Emotional pain; however, is a whole different ball game! The scars from emotional pain take much, much longer to heal. And, not just that, these were things I had no control over. When I was going through all the physical pain of the past year, it was me going through it, me feeling it, no one else. So I knew that I had control over that, that I knew exactly what it felt like. It may sound strange, but for anyone who has undergone severe physical pain, you know what I'm saying. The emotional pain that I endured in December was so different than anything I have experienced: it was a dark, deafening pain that seemed to overcome everything in its wake. Fortunately, through much counseling, we were able to get through it and, that being said, I think we are much stronger because of it. I was able to watch the atonement in action and what an amazing experience that was! I have felt the sweet balm of the atonement so many times in my own life, but this was different. This time, the atonement really was this person's savior. It has been incredible to watch the change in this person's personna and life as he bathes in the light of Christ. I just read a book called 'The Peacegiver', by James Ferrell. It taught me so much of the atonement and the far-reaching effects of it. Everyone should read it!!
YES!!!! I just received a kidney from my sweet sister Tasha! She was willing to go through the physical pain and to put her entire life on hold for me! The most amazing part, she doesn't think that she's done anything big! She is so incredibly humble about the whole thing. When asked about it, she simply replies, 'Well, anyone in the family would have done it', which is true but she has no desire to be labeled the hero. However, that is exactly what she is and always will be to me, my husband Tony, and my boys. I have a new life, a new beginning, a new hope! She has given me the greatest gift anyone could in this life, the opportunity to have a full, meaningful life. I am so thankful that I do have such an amazing family who are all willing to do anything for each other!

Baby sister is having a baby!!!

My baby sister, Kiska Schramm, is finally having her first baby, a girl, today! She is the first one of us to go to and/or over her due date. (She was due on Nov. 1) My earliest was two weeks early! As Kiska's due date got closer and closer, I have realized how hard it has been to be away from her! She has recently moved to Omaha from Rochester when her husband graduated from medical school and has gone on to specialize in the ENT field. Therefore, she is closer but I still am unable to visit her because I am on dialysis every night. How I am looking forward to getting my kidney from my other sister, Tasha!! This could happen as early as mid-December! How exciting is that!?! But until that happens I have to come to terms with the idea that I won't be able to be with Kiska and her new baby Kora. I am so incredibly sad about that! I really am bummed about that and I just hope that she is able to feel our love and support and I really hope and pray that she will be able to come out for Christmas!!

New news? Book and therapist!

Tony was in Big O tires waiting to have new tires put on his work vehicle when he struck up a conversation with a gentleman who turned out to be an author! Tony had no idea when he began telling the man about our life over the past several years. When this man learned about our situation, he asked Tony if we would consider allowing him to write our story! We did a lot of research on this particular writer and were pleasantly surprised! He is a very successful writer and we love his writing style. We have had several appointments with him and we are very excited about getting this whole process started. I must admit, I am nervous about reliving the entire story and the writer asked me if I was ready to go through everything again. However, I have been asked by so many people when I was going to write a book and several doctors have even told me that they would be willing to write the parts that they played in it. We are very excited and I will be sure to let everyone know when it is done!
I have also started seeing a therapist to help me with some of the issues that I am having. I touched on those issues in my last blog entry. I have seen the therapist twice and in the first session we talked about how weary I have become in trying to remain strong. For example, my sweet Tony is always telling me and everyone else how amazing I have been through this entire process. Well, in his mind he was doing me a favor and I thought so too! However, in doing so, I felt that I had to be amazing ALL the time; as if I could never be UN-amazing. We had never thought of it that way. He kept telling us that we had to allow me to just be me-which ever way I wanted to be me. At the next session, we talked about guilt. I have a serious problem with guilt, and I even discovered that I feel guilty for feeling guilty! I have a feeling that 95% of women out there are in the same boat as I am. We talked for quite some time about the phrase: "Let go, and let God". My therapist told me that the more I rely on the Lord and turn to Him for help, the more I will be able to let go of the guilt I am feeling. He also asked me to keep a 'therapy journal'. In this journal, I am to write any thoughts or feelings I am having, whether they be positive or negative, happy or sad or even angry. It has been interesting to me that I have never been angry with the Lord; not once! I really haven't. I have only felt gratitude because I know that it was the Lord who saved me from death. He is my Savior in every sense of the word, both spiritually and mortally.

Mourning my past life and limb loss.

I wasn't sure that I would ever go through this period of mourning, but I am well aware that every one else knew that I would. Tony said that it is because my life is starting to settle down and things are getting back to normal so I now have the time to reflect on my situation and mourn my losses. I'm not in the depths of despair but it has been quite challenging lately. Its just a very strange state of mind as I wake up in the morning and think about the challenges that will face me that day. Now don't get me wrong, I really am SO grateful for my life, my family, what remains of my limbs and the lessons that I have learned through all of this; its just that I struggle to get really excited about anything. Even with the holidays just around the corner which, in the past, gave me the butterflies just thinking about them, I have struggled with finding the excitement I am used to! Its very strange, but I, like my mother and all my sisters, used to get more enthusiastic about Halloween and Christmas that we did about any guy! (That excludes our hubbies of course!!) However, just the other day I was at the boys' soccer games and I started thinking of Fall in Salem, Massachusetts, and I did get the tingling in the stomach that I get when I am really excited. That was actually a breakthrough for me! I hadn't felt that sensation for quite some time and feeling that made me feel so alive somehow. I do believe that, eventually, I will get back to "normal", or whatever normal may be for me. I'm just not quite sure how long that will take but, for now, I will take the small victories that get me from day to day!

Kerilyn is a mommy!!

My darling Kerilyn has finally adopted a baby! His name is Tyler Joseph and he weighed 2 pounds when he was born-I know, crazy! I was finally able to hold him this past weekend and I could not let him go! It was one of the greatest times I've ever had. He was born at 28 weeks so Kerilyn spent a lot of time in NICU familiarizing him with her voice and her touch. She would text me pics and one of my faves was of her holding him skin to skin on her chest. You could really see how tiny he was! To say that I'm happy for her is one of the biggest understatements of the century. I have prayed for this for so long as, I know, has she.
I just wanted to brag a bit!!!