Baby sister is having a baby!!!

My baby sister, Kiska Schramm, is finally having her first baby, a girl, today! She is the first one of us to go to and/or over her due date. (She was due on Nov. 1) My earliest was two weeks early! As Kiska's due date got closer and closer, I have realized how hard it has been to be away from her! She has recently moved to Omaha from Rochester when her husband graduated from medical school and has gone on to specialize in the ENT field. Therefore, she is closer but I still am unable to visit her because I am on dialysis every night. How I am looking forward to getting my kidney from my other sister, Tasha!! This could happen as early as mid-December! How exciting is that!?! But until that happens I have to come to terms with the idea that I won't be able to be with Kiska and her new baby Kora. I am so incredibly sad about that! I really am bummed about that and I just hope that she is able to feel our love and support and I really hope and pray that she will be able to come out for Christmas!!

New news? Book and therapist!

Tony was in Big O tires waiting to have new tires put on his work vehicle when he struck up a conversation with a gentleman who turned out to be an author! Tony had no idea when he began telling the man about our life over the past several years. When this man learned about our situation, he asked Tony if we would consider allowing him to write our story! We did a lot of research on this particular writer and were pleasantly surprised! He is a very successful writer and we love his writing style. We have had several appointments with him and we are very excited about getting this whole process started. I must admit, I am nervous about reliving the entire story and the writer asked me if I was ready to go through everything again. However, I have been asked by so many people when I was going to write a book and several doctors have even told me that they would be willing to write the parts that they played in it. We are very excited and I will be sure to let everyone know when it is done!
I have also started seeing a therapist to help me with some of the issues that I am having. I touched on those issues in my last blog entry. I have seen the therapist twice and in the first session we talked about how weary I have become in trying to remain strong. For example, my sweet Tony is always telling me and everyone else how amazing I have been through this entire process. Well, in his mind he was doing me a favor and I thought so too! However, in doing so, I felt that I had to be amazing ALL the time; as if I could never be UN-amazing. We had never thought of it that way. He kept telling us that we had to allow me to just be me-which ever way I wanted to be me. At the next session, we talked about guilt. I have a serious problem with guilt, and I even discovered that I feel guilty for feeling guilty! I have a feeling that 95% of women out there are in the same boat as I am. We talked for quite some time about the phrase: "Let go, and let God". My therapist told me that the more I rely on the Lord and turn to Him for help, the more I will be able to let go of the guilt I am feeling. He also asked me to keep a 'therapy journal'. In this journal, I am to write any thoughts or feelings I am having, whether they be positive or negative, happy or sad or even angry. It has been interesting to me that I have never been angry with the Lord; not once! I really haven't. I have only felt gratitude because I know that it was the Lord who saved me from death. He is my Savior in every sense of the word, both spiritually and mortally.

Mourning my past life and limb loss.

I wasn't sure that I would ever go through this period of mourning, but I am well aware that every one else knew that I would. Tony said that it is because my life is starting to settle down and things are getting back to normal so I now have the time to reflect on my situation and mourn my losses. I'm not in the depths of despair but it has been quite challenging lately. Its just a very strange state of mind as I wake up in the morning and think about the challenges that will face me that day. Now don't get me wrong, I really am SO grateful for my life, my family, what remains of my limbs and the lessons that I have learned through all of this; its just that I struggle to get really excited about anything. Even with the holidays just around the corner which, in the past, gave me the butterflies just thinking about them, I have struggled with finding the excitement I am used to! Its very strange, but I, like my mother and all my sisters, used to get more enthusiastic about Halloween and Christmas that we did about any guy! (That excludes our hubbies of course!!) However, just the other day I was at the boys' soccer games and I started thinking of Fall in Salem, Massachusetts, and I did get the tingling in the stomach that I get when I am really excited. That was actually a breakthrough for me! I hadn't felt that sensation for quite some time and feeling that made me feel so alive somehow. I do believe that, eventually, I will get back to "normal", or whatever normal may be for me. I'm just not quite sure how long that will take but, for now, I will take the small victories that get me from day to day!

Kerilyn is a mommy!!

My darling Kerilyn has finally adopted a baby! His name is Tyler Joseph and he weighed 2 pounds when he was born-I know, crazy! I was finally able to hold him this past weekend and I could not let him go! It was one of the greatest times I've ever had. He was born at 28 weeks so Kerilyn spent a lot of time in NICU familiarizing him with her voice and her touch. She would text me pics and one of my faves was of her holding him skin to skin on her chest. You could really see how tiny he was! To say that I'm happy for her is one of the biggest understatements of the century. I have prayed for this for so long as, I know, has she.
I just wanted to brag a bit!!!

The boys are in school!

Sam started 2nd grade this year and my baby, Nick, started kindergarten!! I cannot believe that they are both in school. Sam does not like school-he's having a hard time with the academic aspect of it. I think a lot of it is from all the time he spent changing from one school to another while I was in the hospital. Poor thing! But, he is doing great with the bully this year; he is really standing up for himself! He is even standing up for his new friends. He has made friends with a new boy that just moved here named Caden. They both love to look for spiders during recess and when they find them, they name them. He did have a kind of sad situation when they found a beetle and some bullies squished it. When Sam came home that day and told me about it, he started crying! I have such a tender little guy. I love it! I have heard that the scariest aspect of this new generation is that they are a generation of narcissists. What frightens me is that narcissists have a lack of empathy and my Sam certainly has empathy in huge quantities! I LOVE it!
Nick, for the most part, is loving school! He is doing so well; coming home every day and doing homework. Sometimes, he will have a hard time in the mornings getting up and getting ready with a positive attitude. Therefore, I ordered a cardboard treasure chest and filled it with small toys that I found on Oriental Trading for a great price. It gives him something to look forward to all day and it gives me something to barter with in the morning! Nick has the same kindergarten teacher that Sam had and she is darling with the boys. The wonderful thing is that she is aware of what our family has been through the past two years. She is so considerate and patient which is great for our boys.
So the boys are doing well, which really helps me do well. They say that if mom is in a good mood, the rest of the family follows, but I think if the kids are in a good mood, the mom follows. I just love it when they are happy and cheerful. It is great to watch them return to their normal, happy selves!

Someone wants to write my story??

Tony, my darling hubby, was waiting at Big O Tire the other day waiting for tires to be put on his work van when he started talking to another man who was also waiting for his car. They started talking about occupations and this man told Tony that he was a writer. He worked mostly for businesses or doing screenplays. He has worked for Disney in the past and has done screenplays for Oliver Stone and has done work for the Jeff Gordon Racing Corp. So this man is not just a small-town writer (not that there is anything wrong with that). They happened on the subject of my kidney transplant and this man wanted to know my story. Tony told him the very condensed version and he was very interested in writing my story! Tony and I are, of course, very skeptical about the whole thing. I mean, I would really like to write my story myself! But, if nothing else, its kind of exciting!!

Not so great day.

As each day goes by on my new antidepressant, I notice more of a change in the negative direction. Don't get me wrong-wonderful things are happening in my life: my boys are going to school; Sam is in 2nd grade and Nick has started kindergarten; I'm getting closer to my kidney transplant and the weather down here in southern Utah is getting closer to its peak time: winter. Most of the country looks forward to the summer months when camping, swimming and BBQ starts. Southern Utah; however, is blazing hot in the summer months with most of the days being over 100 degrees! The rest of the year is gorgeous with the temperature being about 15-20 degrees warmer that the northern portion of Utah. So, I have so many things to look forward to, but my mood is just not on the same level as the events. My doctor has increased my Zoloft to 100 mg, which doubles the amount that I started on. I'm not sure if that is the reason or if I just need counseling. I am going to look into that and; hopefully, that will help. I really do get tired of my mood going up and down. Up until recently, I have been so lucky in that I have been on such a high just from surviving my illness. I really have not been depressed or severely saddened from losing my fingers or my legs! It has been incredible, but that; unfortunately, has changed recently. I will keep this blog posted on my progress.

Pioneer Day weekend

We spent the weekend in Monroe, Utah. They have a parade which, for such a small town, is really good. Almost every float throws candy for the kids and, luckily, Michelle brought grocery bags for our boys because they filled those bags up quickly! It was like Halloween! After the parade, we went to the park where there were booths, rides, games, and tons of food!! The boys had a blast and ended up talking us into buying them each a hermit crab. I began feeling sick that night and I got progressively worse over the next few days. We are pretty sure that it is just a head cold, but my nephrologist started me on Z-pack just in case. I am still feeling under the weather a bit, but my fever is gone and my throat is not as sore. Thank goodness-I hate being sick!

Sad story

Last night my visiting teacher called to set up an appt. I asked her how she was to which she responded, "Doing OK I guess." I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her daughter had passed away! I about fainted-I had no idea!! I had not been at church the previous week because we were in Yellowstone and I suppose that was when they announced it. I asked her if it was alright if I asked her how it happened. She told me that she had been feeling under the weather for a few days and she developed strep. They didn't think too much of it until they received a call from their other daughter the next morning telling them that they better get up to Salt Lake because Bonnie (the sick one) was in the hospital very ill. They tried to catch a plane up but there was nothing until later that afternoon so they packed up the car and drove. By the time they arrived at the hospital, she had already passed away! She (my visiting teacher) said that the infection had gotten in to her blood stream and shut all the vital organs down! I asked her if it was sepsis and she replied, "Yes, it was toxic sepsis!!" At this point I didn't even know what to say. When I regained my composure, I told her that was what I had so I knew all about it. She came over this morning and we talked for a long time. She was the one that was comforting me! She seemed so at peace. She seemed to glow which is basically what I told my family when I came out of my coma. I told them that they were 'shining'. I am so impressed by this woman's strength. I asked her how she did it and she says from the comfort of the Lord and by the knowledge of eternal families. That simple! She didn't go off on a long, drawn out reason for her peace-it was a very simple, very beautiful answer! What a remarkable woman. I would ask each of you to please remember her in your prayers. Life is so fragile!
My own life is going remarkably well. We went fishing last weekend. Very hot, but very fun. Tony was the only one that caught a fish. The boys and I were all too impatient and we would reel our lines in over and over again. While Tony, the ever patient one, would leave his out and just wait for a bite. So typical! Mr. Darcy had the time of his life-running in the water and sniffing anything and everything in sight. He thinks that he is part bloodhound.
I know there was a comment on sharing my bad times as well as my good, and I promise to do so. But, I have to say that 99% of my life these days is good and wonderful and beautiful. That's not to say that my life is near perfection; its just that after coming so close to death, so much of my life seems heavenly. Every little thing seems like a magical gift from God. Therefore, I love almost everything in and about my life!

Family Reunion

We just got home from our Yellowstone trip with the family. What a blast it was!! There is nothing better than being with the fam and enjoying our time together. I love watching my boys enjoying every minute with their darling cousins. There is nothing better than being with cousins for my boys-not even Christmas! They love their cousins more than anything!! This trip was so rewarding in terms of seeing wildlife-especially bears. We saw bears; it seemed, every time we turned around. It was insane! My favorite was seeing a mother grizz with her two babies. The cubs were absolutely darling. They were both playing and seemed to not have a care in the world. It was a stark contrast to a small, orphaned cub we saw that was near Old Faithful Inn. This cub's mother was hit, and killed, by a car (we were told this by a park Ranger). It was heartbreaking! We watched this little guy foraging for food, but that's all we could do-watch. We wanted so badly to help, to bring him food, to protect him from the elements, to do anything, but all we can do is pray. The Ranger told us that they were determined to stay out of it and let nature take its course. It was so frustrating knowing that they had the ability to save this cub, but they couldn't. I'm sure its the same for our Heavenly Father-He has the ability to step in and save His children, but we need to fend for ourselves. We are here to learn; He is there for us if we will just turn to Him and accept His help. That's the only way we will make it in this life!

My First Talk!

Well-I did it! My first official talk on what happened to me in January 2009. How did it go? Well, that all depends on who you ask-if you ask my darling parents or all-to-biased hubby, I did phenomenally. If you ask one of the several hundred youth, I did pretty good. If you ask me, it bordered on terrible! Ever since I was in the coma, I have struggled with getting my words from my mind and out of my mouth in the correct order. I tend to stutter and fumble over my words which is an oddity because I have never stuttered in all of my life! The doctors are not sure if its from being in the coma or a result of some of the medications I'm on. Nevertheless; its insanely frustrating. I know that the Spirit was there, but I know that my message would have come across more effectively if the audience wasn't worried that I would completely lose control of my language skills! Del Parsons was the speaker before me and his message and his art were strong enough to bring an incredible Spirit into the group. I know his art very well but I was unaware of his story. To sum it up: he was a painter of portraits until he lost his wife and his daughter in an awful car accident. After that; because of a very sacred occurrance, he started painting art of the spiritual nature. He said that, as hard as it was to go through that, there was a moment that he felt completely encompassed by the Holy Spirit and he wanted to create art that evoked that feeling of love! It was incredible. I felt so honored to be present. I just hope and pray that in my next talk I will be able to deliver the message I want to without stumbling over my words.

removing hemodialysis catheter

Yesterday I went to the hospital to have my catheter removed. I have had that in for alost a year and a half! It was (I believe), at first, for a central line to use to get blood or to administer medication if the other methods didn't work. I am so excited to get that removed for several reasons: first-it itched so bad! I'm not sure if I was allergic to the tape but the area around the catheter would be so itchy that I would scratch so bad, often the bandage would come off. It was such a pain and, to be honest, it was a bit scary to have the bandage off. The doctor told me that there was a 'cuff' deep inside. It was a special area around it where the muscle would adhere to it so it would stay in place and nothing would get in or out. But it didn't make me any less nervous! Another reason I am so happy to have it out is that it was just another thing for people to look at on me that was not normal. I already have no fingers or feet so having a huge bandage on my chest was noticable. When I was all dressed up, either for church or Kiska's recital, it looked funny to have this huge, white bandage blaringly obvious! I hated it! But now its gone, and hopefully gone forever! Yay!!!

Trying this again

I'm going to try blogging again; maybe this time it will work. We'll see!