New news? Book and therapist!

Tony was in Big O tires waiting to have new tires put on his work vehicle when he struck up a conversation with a gentleman who turned out to be an author! Tony had no idea when he began telling the man about our life over the past several years. When this man learned about our situation, he asked Tony if we would consider allowing him to write our story! We did a lot of research on this particular writer and were pleasantly surprised! He is a very successful writer and we love his writing style. We have had several appointments with him and we are very excited about getting this whole process started. I must admit, I am nervous about reliving the entire story and the writer asked me if I was ready to go through everything again. However, I have been asked by so many people when I was going to write a book and several doctors have even told me that they would be willing to write the parts that they played in it. We are very excited and I will be sure to let everyone know when it is done!
I have also started seeing a therapist to help me with some of the issues that I am having. I touched on those issues in my last blog entry. I have seen the therapist twice and in the first session we talked about how weary I have become in trying to remain strong. For example, my sweet Tony is always telling me and everyone else how amazing I have been through this entire process. Well, in his mind he was doing me a favor and I thought so too! However, in doing so, I felt that I had to be amazing ALL the time; as if I could never be UN-amazing. We had never thought of it that way. He kept telling us that we had to allow me to just be me-which ever way I wanted to be me. At the next session, we talked about guilt. I have a serious problem with guilt, and I even discovered that I feel guilty for feeling guilty! I have a feeling that 95% of women out there are in the same boat as I am. We talked for quite some time about the phrase: "Let go, and let God". My therapist told me that the more I rely on the Lord and turn to Him for help, the more I will be able to let go of the guilt I am feeling. He also asked me to keep a 'therapy journal'. In this journal, I am to write any thoughts or feelings I am having, whether they be positive or negative, happy or sad or even angry. It has been interesting to me that I have never been angry with the Lord; not once! I really haven't. I have only felt gratitude because I know that it was the Lord who saved me from death. He is my Savior in every sense of the word, both spiritually and mortally.

Mourning my past life and limb loss.

I wasn't sure that I would ever go through this period of mourning, but I am well aware that every one else knew that I would. Tony said that it is because my life is starting to settle down and things are getting back to normal so I now have the time to reflect on my situation and mourn my losses. I'm not in the depths of despair but it has been quite challenging lately. Its just a very strange state of mind as I wake up in the morning and think about the challenges that will face me that day. Now don't get me wrong, I really am SO grateful for my life, my family, what remains of my limbs and the lessons that I have learned through all of this; its just that I struggle to get really excited about anything. Even with the holidays just around the corner which, in the past, gave me the butterflies just thinking about them, I have struggled with finding the excitement I am used to! Its very strange, but I, like my mother and all my sisters, used to get more enthusiastic about Halloween and Christmas that we did about any guy! (That excludes our hubbies of course!!) However, just the other day I was at the boys' soccer games and I started thinking of Fall in Salem, Massachusetts, and I did get the tingling in the stomach that I get when I am really excited. That was actually a breakthrough for me! I hadn't felt that sensation for quite some time and feeling that made me feel so alive somehow. I do believe that, eventually, I will get back to "normal", or whatever normal may be for me. I'm just not quite sure how long that will take but, for now, I will take the small victories that get me from day to day!