New news? Book and therapist!

Tony was in Big O tires waiting to have new tires put on his work vehicle when he struck up a conversation with a gentleman who turned out to be an author! Tony had no idea when he began telling the man about our life over the past several years. When this man learned about our situation, he asked Tony if we would consider allowing him to write our story! We did a lot of research on this particular writer and were pleasantly surprised! He is a very successful writer and we love his writing style. We have had several appointments with him and we are very excited about getting this whole process started. I must admit, I am nervous about reliving the entire story and the writer asked me if I was ready to go through everything again. However, I have been asked by so many people when I was going to write a book and several doctors have even told me that they would be willing to write the parts that they played in it. We are very excited and I will be sure to let everyone know when it is done!
I have also started seeing a therapist to help me with some of the issues that I am having. I touched on those issues in my last blog entry. I have seen the therapist twice and in the first session we talked about how weary I have become in trying to remain strong. For example, my sweet Tony is always telling me and everyone else how amazing I have been through this entire process. Well, in his mind he was doing me a favor and I thought so too! However, in doing so, I felt that I had to be amazing ALL the time; as if I could never be UN-amazing. We had never thought of it that way. He kept telling us that we had to allow me to just be me-which ever way I wanted to be me. At the next session, we talked about guilt. I have a serious problem with guilt, and I even discovered that I feel guilty for feeling guilty! I have a feeling that 95% of women out there are in the same boat as I am. We talked for quite some time about the phrase: "Let go, and let God". My therapist told me that the more I rely on the Lord and turn to Him for help, the more I will be able to let go of the guilt I am feeling. He also asked me to keep a 'therapy journal'. In this journal, I am to write any thoughts or feelings I am having, whether they be positive or negative, happy or sad or even angry. It has been interesting to me that I have never been angry with the Lord; not once! I really haven't. I have only felt gratitude because I know that it was the Lord who saved me from death. He is my Savior in every sense of the word, both spiritually and mortally.

Mourning my past life and limb loss.

I wasn't sure that I would ever go through this period of mourning, but I am well aware that every one else knew that I would. Tony said that it is because my life is starting to settle down and things are getting back to normal so I now have the time to reflect on my situation and mourn my losses. I'm not in the depths of despair but it has been quite challenging lately. Its just a very strange state of mind as I wake up in the morning and think about the challenges that will face me that day. Now don't get me wrong, I really am SO grateful for my life, my family, what remains of my limbs and the lessons that I have learned through all of this; its just that I struggle to get really excited about anything. Even with the holidays just around the corner which, in the past, gave me the butterflies just thinking about them, I have struggled with finding the excitement I am used to! Its very strange, but I, like my mother and all my sisters, used to get more enthusiastic about Halloween and Christmas that we did about any guy! (That excludes our hubbies of course!!) However, just the other day I was at the boys' soccer games and I started thinking of Fall in Salem, Massachusetts, and I did get the tingling in the stomach that I get when I am really excited. That was actually a breakthrough for me! I hadn't felt that sensation for quite some time and feeling that made me feel so alive somehow. I do believe that, eventually, I will get back to "normal", or whatever normal may be for me. I'm just not quite sure how long that will take but, for now, I will take the small victories that get me from day to day!

Kerilyn is a mommy!!

My darling Kerilyn has finally adopted a baby! His name is Tyler Joseph and he weighed 2 pounds when he was born-I know, crazy! I was finally able to hold him this past weekend and I could not let him go! It was one of the greatest times I've ever had. He was born at 28 weeks so Kerilyn spent a lot of time in NICU familiarizing him with her voice and her touch. She would text me pics and one of my faves was of her holding him skin to skin on her chest. You could really see how tiny he was! To say that I'm happy for her is one of the biggest understatements of the century. I have prayed for this for so long as, I know, has she.
I just wanted to brag a bit!!!

The boys are in school!

Sam started 2nd grade this year and my baby, Nick, started kindergarten!! I cannot believe that they are both in school. Sam does not like school-he's having a hard time with the academic aspect of it. I think a lot of it is from all the time he spent changing from one school to another while I was in the hospital. Poor thing! But, he is doing great with the bully this year; he is really standing up for himself! He is even standing up for his new friends. He has made friends with a new boy that just moved here named Caden. They both love to look for spiders during recess and when they find them, they name them. He did have a kind of sad situation when they found a beetle and some bullies squished it. When Sam came home that day and told me about it, he started crying! I have such a tender little guy. I love it! I have heard that the scariest aspect of this new generation is that they are a generation of narcissists. What frightens me is that narcissists have a lack of empathy and my Sam certainly has empathy in huge quantities! I LOVE it!
Nick, for the most part, is loving school! He is doing so well; coming home every day and doing homework. Sometimes, he will have a hard time in the mornings getting up and getting ready with a positive attitude. Therefore, I ordered a cardboard treasure chest and filled it with small toys that I found on Oriental Trading for a great price. It gives him something to look forward to all day and it gives me something to barter with in the morning! Nick has the same kindergarten teacher that Sam had and she is darling with the boys. The wonderful thing is that she is aware of what our family has been through the past two years. She is so considerate and patient which is great for our boys.
So the boys are doing well, which really helps me do well. They say that if mom is in a good mood, the rest of the family follows, but I think if the kids are in a good mood, the mom follows. I just love it when they are happy and cheerful. It is great to watch them return to their normal, happy selves!

Someone wants to write my story??

Tony, my darling hubby, was waiting at Big O Tire the other day waiting for tires to be put on his work van when he started talking to another man who was also waiting for his car. They started talking about occupations and this man told Tony that he was a writer. He worked mostly for businesses or doing screenplays. He has worked for Disney in the past and has done screenplays for Oliver Stone and has done work for the Jeff Gordon Racing Corp. So this man is not just a small-town writer (not that there is anything wrong with that). They happened on the subject of my kidney transplant and this man wanted to know my story. Tony told him the very condensed version and he was very interested in writing my story! Tony and I are, of course, very skeptical about the whole thing. I mean, I would really like to write my story myself! But, if nothing else, its kind of exciting!!

Not so great day.

As each day goes by on my new antidepressant, I notice more of a change in the negative direction. Don't get me wrong-wonderful things are happening in my life: my boys are going to school; Sam is in 2nd grade and Nick has started kindergarten; I'm getting closer to my kidney transplant and the weather down here in southern Utah is getting closer to its peak time: winter. Most of the country looks forward to the summer months when camping, swimming and BBQ starts. Southern Utah; however, is blazing hot in the summer months with most of the days being over 100 degrees! The rest of the year is gorgeous with the temperature being about 15-20 degrees warmer that the northern portion of Utah. So, I have so many things to look forward to, but my mood is just not on the same level as the events. My doctor has increased my Zoloft to 100 mg, which doubles the amount that I started on. I'm not sure if that is the reason or if I just need counseling. I am going to look into that and; hopefully, that will help. I really do get tired of my mood going up and down. Up until recently, I have been so lucky in that I have been on such a high just from surviving my illness. I really have not been depressed or severely saddened from losing my fingers or my legs! It has been incredible, but that; unfortunately, has changed recently. I will keep this blog posted on my progress.

Pioneer Day weekend

We spent the weekend in Monroe, Utah. They have a parade which, for such a small town, is really good. Almost every float throws candy for the kids and, luckily, Michelle brought grocery bags for our boys because they filled those bags up quickly! It was like Halloween! After the parade, we went to the park where there were booths, rides, games, and tons of food!! The boys had a blast and ended up talking us into buying them each a hermit crab. I began feeling sick that night and I got progressively worse over the next few days. We are pretty sure that it is just a head cold, but my nephrologist started me on Z-pack just in case. I am still feeling under the weather a bit, but my fever is gone and my throat is not as sore. Thank goodness-I hate being sick!